You know me
You know me. Or those of you who know me, know me.
You know that if I offend you with anything I say , that would not have been my attention. But you also know that I will call bullshit where I see it and I will defend the people I love and admire to the hilt. I will not let them marginalise their impact, and achievements or diminish their worth by not taking their due credit.
But I also can’t play games; to be popular, to climb the social ladder, to pander to those who declare themselves more worthy or important than me because in society they have more (delete as appropriate) money/status/influence/power. And I hate and berate myself when I let things slide that I should call out. And, I know I’m far from perfect, and I often let things slide for a quiet life, or to avoid confrontation. But the world is just so damned confusing. There is so much to be angry about, disappointed with and incredulous of.
I’m working on myself and my engagement. But there are only so many fucks I can give. Mostly for my own sanity. So I find myself getting embroiled sometimes in the ‘big stuff’ that I cant control and then burn out. That’s definitely where I’m heading now. But, I am also patting myself on the back, talking to those who get it and distancing myself from the things I cannot control
I will use my outrage to call out bigotry. I will use my voice to call out injustice. And I will use my voice to be a better ally. But I will just distance myself from those who take my tolerance and kindness for weakness and stupidity.
Authenticity and compassion at heart
And I will continue to work on my truth, authenticity and advocacy.
I will continue to love those I love , even if they can’t or won’t love themselves as much as they should. But sometimes I may have to do it from further away than I would like, to protect myself from sinking too deep into the BS clogging the banks of the Bullshit River.
When I hit 50 I reached the age where I just cut ties with any thread that drags me into the rancid waters of BS . I don’t want to spend time with anyone I have to censor myself for. I don’t want to have to run my conversations through my head before speaking them out loud in case that topic is something the other person will badly react to.
When I speak it comes from a place of love and compassion, a willingness to empower. Or it comes from a place of confusion and distress, usually because of some injustice I see. Not necessary in the person I am speaking to but in the situation they might be embroiled in or on the edge of. It might not always come out right. I am easily confused and driven by emotion.
But there is only so much allowance that can be made and only so much going along beside the river of BS I can put up with, even if wading through the banks is my only way of supporting someone I care about.
Wise words
I’m too old for pretence and BS. I love too intensely and care too much about those I let into my world. And sometimes my heart breaks but there is nothing I can do about it. As my friend (a different T than the one I have to thank in “Smoke and Mirrors”) said when I said I was upset, or when I say I’m worried or angry, he said ” just don’t be”.
Wise words. If only it were that easy.
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