***trigger warning **** this is a rant – it includes lots of negativity and a fuck load of swearing

I am raging today!  I’m mad.  Angry.  Incensed.

I want to open my lungs and scream so LOUD.

Apparently it’s the 3rd stage of grief…

shock … denial … anger…

I don’t remember being in shock… Maybe I was too stunned to notice.  I’ve spent plenty of time in denial.  Pretending it will all be ok, comforting everyone; keeping busy(ish); making myself useful; staying upbeat; PHONING MY PARENTS EVERY OTHER DAY EVEN THOUGH I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO SAY AND NEITHER DO THEY… We don’t normally speak regularly because I irritate them and they irritate me.  That’s just the way it is.  The odd call, the occasional (annual) visit, a few shares on social media… but now I feel like I should, I feel like I want to, but it makes me so sad because we really do have so little to say to each other and I come away angry at myself for not being a better daughter.  I’m a shit daughter.  I always have been .  Whatever they say, I know that to be true.

This morning I read the first official news report about a suicide directly related to Coronavirus .  I also read a piece of news stating newly diagnosed cancer patients will have their treatment delayed until after the pandemic.  Some of them may not make it.   I said at the beginning of all of this , it wasn’t the virus itself I was afraid of,  it’s the pain and anger and fear that will build up… poor mental health leading to suicide; dysfunctional relationships leading to violence and abuse; overstretched NHS leading to the elderly being asked to sign DNRs because… that’s the best solution we have… we’re having to choose who to save.  Only the rich getting tested.  Yet all the ‘heroes’ (binmen, postal workers, shop keepers, lorry drivers, paramedics, carers , doctors, nurses , police etc etc) being left customer facing with not only no protection but with no regular testing.  If there are limited tests it should be these people getting them, not the rich, famous, political and capitalist classes who can easily self isolate and if they do contract it, are unlikely to have spent a week without knowing inadvertently spreading the disease around.

I’m sick to death of the latest daily news being a story of some has-bean celebrity or z-list reality tv star who’s caught CV19… When was the last time anyone heard of Linda fucking Lusardi for example.  I’m not saying I don’t empathise… but why is it news? What about the aunties, children, grandparents, parents, neighbours who’ve contracted it?  Most won’t know, because they DON’T GET FUCKING TESTED , so unless they’re rushed into hospital…

Now I just want to yell at everyone.

My parents for hogging 3 supermarket delivery slots a week just in case one shop doesn’t have all the items, even though they have freezers full of food.  I know they’re just looking after themselves and I want them to, but really, some of the things they are doing… They’re just an example, everyone including me is being a complete cunt about something.

A neighbour who invited me in after I drop off their shopping even though I’ve done their shopping because they’re in isolation, or someone who wanted me to make a special trip just so they could have a newspaper… it’s not that they think I’m worth risking, its that their habit is to have a newspaper.

John for not asking his son for photos of our grandson even though the last one we had of him was Christmas , and toddlers change so often.

Fucking Donald Trump …for being Fucking Donald Trump

Arseholes who are wishing Boris Johnson dead since the news he’s gone into hospital (I’m not a Boris fan but , seriously, come on…)

Young adults who are spitting at the police when they try to break up a crowd because they just can’t cope themselves, they just don’t get it.

Everyone who call those who are not staying in ‘stupid’ or ‘fucking idiots’… honestly, we have no idea what their situation is..maybe they get beaten if they’re at home, maybe they’re suicidal, maybe they’re just teenagers who by nature are egocentric, maybe they’re just trapped… they live in a bed sit, they live on the bread line.  Maybe they have hyperactive kids who are pushing them to the limit and being out is the only way those parents won’t ‘lose it’, because , quite frankly, daily life at the best of times was always a struggle.  Yes we need these rules , we need it policing, The police deserve to be safe on the front line… but calling people stupid is not helpful (even if some of them are!!); everyone has their issues and circumstances, we can only imagine and be thankful that our position is probably better.  Hoarders aren’t deliberately being selfish, they’re scared…none of us know how long this will go on, not even those in charge.  No-one can ensure an ongoing supply chain of food, meds, loo roll. And when one person panic buys it creates a chain reaction.  People will always do everything they can to protect their own.  Anything.  Maybe it is an over-reaction, but it’s still just a human reaction.

I’m seething about Nurses and Doctors dying because they are not being prioritised for testing or PPE.

I’m sick to death of not being able to trust a word that comes out of the mouth of any Government official.

I’m sick of reading these meaningless statistics about death rates and survivals… how the fuck

do they know when only 10% of the public are ever tested.  Its not helpful it just creates more fear and misinformation

I want to go out for a fucking coffee. I am desperate to hug my friends.  I’m beside myself with rage that I can’t. I understand why and I won’t .  It doesn’t mean I can’t be angry about it.

Then there’s the likes of fucking Richard Branson who evades UK taxes through loopholes the governments in succession keep because they themselves benefit from them.  Don’t they realise that if everyone paid their taxes fairly then no-one would live in poverty?  I went off that arsehole Branson when he sued the NHS for not winning a contract from them, costing them millions and therefore putting so much extra pressure on a system that consecutive Tory Governments have cut to the quick.  He is so rich he wouldn’t even notice if he paid all his staff £500 a week, asking them to go without wage and the government to bail him out…  How the fuck dare he.  Honestly, it’s immoral.  How do these people live with themselves. Do you know how many millions in a billion?  He could spend a fucking million or ten and look after all his staff and not even notice.  He could resolve the PPE shortage in a blink of an eye by funding all the visors required …

Where the fuck are all these philanthropists and millionaires and billionaires. They all came out of the woodwork to pay to rebuild fucking Notre Dame … What about people where are they for the fucking people?

I’m angry for the kids.  And teachers.  Those teachers being told to take an educated guess at grades instead of the 16/17/18 year olds sitting GCSEs and A levels … it’s not FAIR.

I’m angry on behalf of those who should have graduated this summer and those who are mid degrees and trying to sit exams in a non-controlled environment , perhaps with no place to have quiet for the 2hrs or so they might need; having not been taught half the syllabus because of all the bloody lecturer strikes over the last year.

I’m angry that I can’t hug my friends or see my grown up children.

I’m angry that I finally invested in a years gym membership AND was using it and now I’m back to square one. Sofa sloth.

I’m angry that my B&B is closed .

I’m really fucking angry with myself for my lack of motivation.  For not exercising, for going back to drinking (albeit occasionally and not very much…yet); for eating so much fucking chocolate… for sneaking a “cigarette”.

I’m angry that I can give good advice but not take it.  That I’m not looking after myself, that I haven’t (ever had) got a routine.

I’m angry that I haven’t been asked to do any more shifts in the shop I offered to be cover in when they had staff shortages – it was a lifeline for me – having that tiny bit of structure… I’d have done it for nothing just to have a focal point in my week.

I am so fucking raging.

I’m mostly angry because whatever the fuck I can do will make no fucking difference really.  People I love will die, I won’t be able to go to their funeral.  As a trained celebrant I can’t even go and help others with their funerals.

…and as well as being fucking incensed I’m fucking scared because I realise that stage 4 of grief is depression and stage 4 is inevitable and I’m done with depression and anxiety but in my heart I know I’m one knock away from falling down the rabbit hole.