As part of our Ask A Celebrant Series, Dinah Liversidge and I have been writing for The Journal, A publication by The British Institute of Funeral Directors. Our first episode for them was in July 24, where we discuss funerals and children; should they attend? How can we help accommodate them? What do we need to consider when bringing different aged kids and teens?
Below is a summary of the episode and a link to the full article and the whole journal !
SHOULD I BRING CHILDREN TO THE CREMATORIUM OR CEMETERY?
Berni: I would always say “yes, where possible” and here’s why. As a child I was ‘protected’ from the deaths of my grandparents through hushed conversations and not being present at the funeral. As adults we understand that ritual and community are of paramount importance to taking those first steps to processing grief, yet, as parents we have this understandable urge to protect our children from upset. But they have to process their loss too. Letting your children see your vulnerability and be supported in theirs will retrospectively prove more cathartic than hiding it from them.
Dinah: Children’s imaginations are powerful, and they will create all kinds of scenarios to cope
with a situation when they are kept in the dark. I would encourage families to take children to the
service as it gives them a truth to refer to that is likely to be less scary than the story they will create on
their own.
HOW CAN I INVOLVE AND SUPPORT YOUNG CHILDREN?
Dinah: Step one is to be open to every child needing different support. Thankfully there are excellent organisations doing to work to help us support families and children at this challenging time. Having a list of local, and national help that is available is such a practical way of helping.
Child Bereavement UK has a wonderful section on books for children of all ages.
Berni: Children are, in my experience, surprisingly resilient. Openness and explanation will help them process. Perhaps encourage the family to pre visit the graveyard or crematorium, so the space is familiar. There are lots of ways to involve kids: paint a picture to be displayed on the coffin or even decorating the coffin (cardboard), bringing a gift for the deceased to take with them.
WHAT ABOUT TEENS?
Berni: Teens often feel the need to put on a brave face or be strong for their parents or siblings. You could offe them the option to pall bear? I always tell them there is no pressure and if they don’t feel like it on the day thats fine. Or encourage then to write a letter to the deceased. They may like to walk in ahead with the celebrant and lead the way, or choose a piece of music, share a story to be told.
Dinah: Our first experience of death is often during these challenging years and it can leave a lasting
impression on how we process death going forward. Being open to creating a ceremony that supports and involves these young people might prevent trauma from being part of the memory.
Want to know more? We recommend the following sources:
Child Bereavement UK
Winston’s Wish
Young Minds
You can read the full article here : Issue 7 “How Can We Take Away the Fear From Children Experiencing Loss”.
Or you can listen to our Podcast on the subject by following this link
The BIFD, British Institute Of Funeral Directors, “was established in 1982 by members of the NAFD (National Association of Funeral Directors), to be the pre-eminent provider of education for the UK funeral profession while enabling members of the public the opportunity to identify Funeral Directors that offer the best possible professional services.”
Dinah Liversidge is a certified celebrant, trainer and coach, She works one-to-one with students, supporting them in becoming exceptional wedding and funeral celebrants, through her business, Celebrant Coaching and Training Academy
