Happy 6th Celebrant Anniversary to Me

You were the first person I trained as a Celebrant, and so helpful to me as I developed the training. You’ve come a long way since then. What do you most love about your role as a Funeral Celebrant?

Oh, Dinah, it was such a privilege to share your journey and help you in the early stages of development.  Without it and you, I would not be the Celebrant I am today.  I always had a feeling that I had the capacity to support and bring some form of comfort to others.  I’ve always been hugely empathetic and in tune with other people’s emotions and energies.

I seem to have a gift for hearing the unspoken in the stories and relationships I am learning about.

Being a funeral celebrant, for me, is about reassurance and understanding.  You can see families visibly relax and take a breath. It’s like they’ve been holding it to keep themselves composed and present. A front that is ‘expected’ of them in ‘their circumstances.’ When I can meet them and they feel that connection and understanding, they can relax, open up. It’s like a sharing of a heavy burden. The weight is slightly less. I can help them carry their heavy load.  Obviously, here is no stopping grief or taking away the pain. By just simply ‘being’ alongside, I can sense the relief and gratitude.

I genuinely love hearing all their stories, seeing they faces as they share memories, show me objects or photos. And I love being able to give them the strength and permission they need to break any perceived ‘rules’. Then they can have a service structured and inclusive of whatever is authentic, true, and important to them and their connections to the deceased.   I love getting home and drafting a script from the copious notes I’ve taken. And presenting it to them so they know I have truly heard and understood the dynamics within their relationships and got the ‘tone’ of their farewell as they had hoped it would be.

It’s their story , not mine

To me it’s important they see everything I’m going to be saying on their behalf. There should be no surprises on the day. And they should feel comfortable asking for tweaks and changes that make the language and content ‘feel’ like the person we are honouring.

It is such a privilege to symbolically hold their hands and support them through the process. To advise them on what to expect. Reassure them on how they might feel, where the ‘pinch points’ of the day might be. How they can navigate certain issues they are fearful of or would prefer to avoid.  Finding alternative solutions and creating personalised rituals or ideas to include that help them feel connected is such an honour.  And after each service, knowing that a ripple of that family and their deceased is forever carried within me, is something that provides me with a huge sense of fulfilment.

I know that all sounds gushy, but it is genuinely how I feel about the role.

You have just been appointed as the Vice President of the Association of Independent Celebrants. Congratulations! Can you tell us about your role and what it involves?

What a whirlwind of a year! Being asked to accept the role of VP was so left-field, I hadn’t thought about it at all.  It is a huge honour.  This year I get to pretty much be Brian Bull’s shadow!  (Sorry Brian 😉) and I can’t think of a better President to learn the ropes

 from.  So, this year I’m like a backup, in case he can’t attend things. The role is about being a public face of the AOIC amongst kindred organisations and within the professions we work within.  Conversation, raising awareness, providing credibility, and connecting the AOIC to those who would benefit from us.

It is very exciting that we have both Vice and Second Vice (Rebecca Boothroyd). We’re two females with very different and fresh outlooks.  In an industry historically dominated by ‘maturer’ men, I’m hoping that my presence and outlook will help create a more inclusive, representative and accessible view.

I am passionate about opening conversations and questioning tradition and expectations.

I want the AOIC to be able to offer its members and their clients, more choice, more flexibility, new ideas, more reasons and ways to celebrate and commemorate.  Everything’s got a bit to ‘commercial’ and ‘formulaic’ for my liking.  We really can, as independent celebrants, help couples and families celebrate and recognise their uniqueness. Creating ceremonies that are truly personal and meaningful to them.  There are, in reality, very few ‘must do’s’ in both the funeral and wedding industry. There are so many more reasons to have a ceremony than those two occasions.  It’s our job to encourage our members, and to empower prospective clients, to celebrate the moments between the births, marriages and deaths.

You’ve told me many times that you feel drawn to Life Celebrations and helping people at a time of loss and grief. Can you explain how this has impacted your focus as a Celebrant?

I am massively drawn to the profound, positive, impact a good celebrant can have on a family in one of their most fragile and challenging moments.  It can make a huge difference and lays a foundation stone on their path through grief.

From the first conversation, if the family have been recommended to me by their FD, I give them the option to decline my services if they don’t connect with me. I like to think it helps then step off the ‘funeral’ conveyor belt a family can often find themselves on after a loss.  They’re given the freedom to feel in safe hands or equally have me help find someone who’s a better fit.

Offering reassurance, finding solutions, helping them make choices but in a way that they feel in control of them.

When we meet in person there are usually meaningful long hugs.  It’s like when you are struggling to carry an awkward package, and someone comes and grabs the other end – it is instantly slightly easier to handle.

But there is such reciprocity in the role.  As much as I give to my clients, I get back in stories, connections, magical moments, and personal development.  I often describe my roles as a funeral celebrant and end-of-life doula as soul food. Let’s face it the remuneration for both roles is just appalling, it in no way covers the hours of time and the amount of yourself you give to the ‘task’ but in terms of connection it is worth its weight in gold.

Sadly, financial reimbursement is necessary in order to be able to afford to give the time to it, otherwise I’d have to work elsewhere (which I do actually), but having worked in ‘business’, I realise how pointless all that was other than to pay the bills. As I’ve grown into myself, I’ve come to realise that work is such a huge part of life it has to be meaningful.  And for me, being meaningful is about making a difference, helping people, seeing them visibly relax or sigh with relief, knowing that I’ve made a horrible situation a little more bearable.    Obviously, my way of being a celebrant is not sustainable for many of the exceptionally brilliant celebrants I know.  The whole way celebrants are viewed within the industry needs a change of narrative.

Many of my clients choose to remain in touch with me. They are a gift.

Can you tell us about your initiative ‘My Life, My Death, My Wishes’.

The longer I do this job the more I realise how detached we have become from dying and death, how little we all know, and how resistant we are to planning for it  It hasn’t always been this way, and isn’t in so many other cultures.  We’ve managed to industrialise it, make it into a specialist industry which we cannot possibly understand and had best leave to “the professionals.”  We hide it in a corner where we shroud it in myth and mystique.  We talk about it in euphemisms and whispers.  Worse, we avoid it, literally, like a plague, as if it’s contagious, and its presence in conversation might somehow bring forth our demise.

So, I decided to create a package of products that facilitate conversation, bust myths, open up choice, raise awareness and guide individuals and families through all the thought processes and actions they should/could take to prepare for one of the two things in life that we will all experience, our own birth and our own death.

There are individual guides and templates, there’s one-to-one (handholding) support through absolutely every stage of planning.  And there will be a video version of this as well as a physical product including everything I’d walk through with clients, should they wish to just get on with it themselves, It includes the guides and storage for all the information they gather.

It’s amazing isn’t it, we educate about reproduction, yet not everyone has children, yet we never educate about death and it will definitely affect us all

You’ve recently written a book, which I know you’re planning to release this year. Can you tell us a bit about it and who it’s for?

I’d love to talk about it!  The book is also called My Life, My Death, My Wishes and is written in accessible language in the form of a conversational guide to the whole MLMDMW package.  The aim is for it to feel like I’m talking the reader through the thought processes and gathering of information so that by the end of the book, which includes prompts and space for notes, the reader will have gathered all the information they need to produce statements about their quality of life, advanced directives and funeral wishes.  It also includes anecdotes, poems, quotes and lots of links to resources.  I’m not a financial advisor, solicitor, Will writer, the book won’t write your will or set up your lasting powers of attorney, but it will help you think about them, make decisions relating to them, have conversations around them and point you to the right type of services and support for you.

I was thrilled to hear that you’ve connected with Em Melrose, another of my Graduates, and you were part of her inaugural Grief Lounge event. Can you tell us about that?

Ems is amazing, as is her business partner Kirsty Jones (solicitor and will specialist). They have the same values as me.  They’re keen to break down the barriers around death and dying so set up The Legacy Lounge to help change the narrative and help people prepare.  More importantly to encourage people to learn about what options they have and how to access them.

I’m so glad I was asked to be one of their founding members, I cannot wait to do more in partnership with them.

The first Legacy Fair was held in November

 in Llanelli and basically it was a pop-up shop with lots of opportunities for the public to pop in and talk or pick up information from a wealth of supportive organisations that help with all things relating to death and dying, celebrants, will writers, florists, digital legacy planners, FDs, and more.  The first one was very exciting, the day ran with lots of ‘fireside chats’ where the public could listen in to conversations between the founding members and Em or Kirsty.  Don’t worry if you missed it, all the sessions were professionally recorded and will be available soon.

I’ve been so grateful to write with you for the BIFD for the last half of 2024. Can you share what you love about this opportunity we have and why it’s so important to you?

Likewise, any projects that enable us to work in partnership are always so rewarding.  (Least of all because they invariable come with coffee and cake!)

But writing for the BIFD (British Institute of Funeral Directors) has given us, the opportunity to raise the

profile of independent celebrants and the benefits of the Association of Independent Celebrants.  We’ve been able to educate the industry as to how different we all are and how our packages vary, what we really do and how we do it.

I think it will also help FDs understand better the added value a celebrant can offer and make them appreciate how little we charge in relation to the full cost of a funeral.  I mean a celebrant is probably anything between £150 and £400  depending on whether it’s a simple templated script and straightforward single N.O.K, one meeting, standard service, or whether it’s something more hands on like the type of thing I offer   In any instance, the fee barely covers the hours at minimum wage and is almost certainly less than an additional limo, an extra 20 mins of crem time,  a floral tribute or a beige buffet at a local hostelry.

By being more visible within the industry we can begin to be more appreciated for the value we bring to the whole process.  I would hope they begin to recognise our role, (emotional support, public speaker, professional writer, toastmaster, (and counsellor almost)) is so much more valuable than it is credited to be.

Lastly, can you share five things with us about you, Berni, the person rather than the Celebrant.

Only five 😊. Well, let’s see I’m a stained-glass artist and teacher with a home studio at my little rural guesthouse where I also offer private workshops.